May 2020
Me, I am just a girl, not little enough anymore to hope dinner will cook itself and these thoughts swirl through my mind.
But here I am, weeks into a near total lockdown, and a few months since life changed forever, staring at the fridge wondering if life will ever be the same again.
On a day, when none of us has anywhere to go, when each day is the same; there is no doorbell that will ring; no activity to structure my routine around; how can I possibly be unable to handle the few choices the bare shelves throw up? But I am unable to decide. I realize its not the food, its the turmoil in my mind.
The uncertainties around which we stoically try to build our routines weigh on me; as I wonder:-
Will today be spent reading and researching on my laptop; Or will the companion for the day be my mop? Will my gourmet creation be worth a picture; Or will the vegetables in maggi be my redeeming feature? Will we follow the schedule for each activity; Or will the day pass with no productivity? When I finally venture to buy many a vegetable Will I change out of pajamas into something respectable? Will the laundry forever continue to pile, Or will I get around to folding them in a while?
The gamut of feelings, some of which surface unexpectedly, threaten to overwhelm me, and without warning,the roller coaster of emotionstakes off. Like a giant spinning wheel, who knows where it will stop; and which chord it will strike deep within!
Is today the day for anger? Or will grief find center? Maybe again disbelief will override Or with anxiety I will be beside? Will I feel a fear intense ; like never before? Can I ever, stop being so unsure? Will I wonder if this isolation ever end And humanity begin to mend? Will it always be so intense, this pain, Or will things be simple ever again? As I say the daily prayer, For my loved ones everywhere I hope gratitude will make way into my heart And perhaps faith will do its part enough to give hope, and the strength to cope Despite this awareness of vulnerability, Can I search for stability? Rise above this despair And for a different tomorrow prepare?
Suddenly, as the giant spinning wheel continues its spin, all myriad colours merge, first into the rainbow, and then a gleam of white; I am suddenly little again.
Little, compared with the universe and its churnings; Miniscule in front of the worlds proceedings Petty in the larger scheme of things, Oblivious to how life swings;
And I realize, it is the wheel that given me the answer.
Whatever feeling I select; whichever question chooses me; and whatever thought finds home in my mind today; all are part of the whole; each is mine to embrace.
The wheel will keep spinning; and we must also not give up; soldiering on with grace, humility and belief.
We shall overcome.